Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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