he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
