Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
