you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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