i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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