Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
