If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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