Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
