I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
