I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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