im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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