New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
