K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
