I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
