You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
