The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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