When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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