I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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