Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
