cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
