yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
