My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
