guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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