You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
