theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
