sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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