It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
