I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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