Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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