Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
