it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
