This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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