my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize