Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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