My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We have started to decorate penises.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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