Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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