I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
