I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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