Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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