I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I will pee on everything he values.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
