oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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