I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
