I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Randomize
