Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
