I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
