My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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