hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
