hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
