I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
