I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
