kristin has been a bad kristin
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
