mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
