Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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