You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
