I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
