I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
