Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
