hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
