quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
