you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
