Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize