Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
