I think I died a long time ago.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
